A house in healing
Blessed by stranger and friend alike
Is a beautiful thing.

Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Heart Ache

Let me start with: I am not suicidal.

Today, I ached for Heaven.

I have many roads ahead of me that I can choose. Change is coming in my life, but whichever direction I pursue will require some sort of preparation and will take time to fall into place. So, I was struggling with the frustrating paradox, that is somehow possible, that both too much and nothing is happening…at the same time.

But I think that behind all that “inner conflict” and disappointment and fear and desire to move forward was the heartache for the new heaven and new earth.

I wish for many things that would be “better” than what I have right now. But today I kept thinking, in different wording, that all is vanity. Now, it’s not all vanity if one knows God and lives for and with Him, honoring Him as King, which I try (horribly imperfectly; thank God for His grace!) to do. So I know better than to think that everything is true vanity, but at the same time, life here on earth will never be enough.

I think that’s what my odd emotions messing up my day came down to. I could get a sweet car, but it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy and make my life right and exactly where I want it to be. I could have the best friends in the world, calling me up and caring for my often invisible hurts, and in many ways I do, but that’s also not enough. I could meet the man of my dreams to partner with through the rest of life, but even that would not satisfy me perfectly or forever. I could make it on that long-term mission endeavor in a new land, serving others and drawing them closer to God...but that would not be enough either.

I have good things now. And they do not satisfy.

Because this world is fallen short of the glory of the Most High God, and everything in it is tainted with the pervasive touch of sin.

 

This night I watched the sunset, brilliant golds and oranges with hints of pinks on the edges of the dark rainclouds. Stunning. It both soothed my heart and brought to light that which was upsetting me so much all day. I long and ache for a perfect world, where things of the world are never temptations but can be safely enjoyed as gifts, where beauty oozes from every cranny, where there is no more sickness and suffering…where there is the presence of God in person.

Last week I shared a song, an old favorite, with some friends. Today, I think I lived the lyrics.

"Think Over What I Say"

It's good to start in context from the beginning of 2 Timothy 1 and mull over this paragraph a bit:

2 Timothy 2:1-7

¹ You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. ² And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others. ³ Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. ⁴ No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer. ⁵ Similarly, anyone who competes as an athlete does not receive the victor’s crown except by competing according to the rules. ⁶ The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. ⁷ Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.

Contents May Be Other Than They Appear

"Short" should not be considered an insult any more than "tall" is. Last I checked "tall" is almost always considered a good thing. (The line "All the great ones were tall" from "While You Were Sleeping" is even a joke in my family; we're all tall...and Ox is funny.)

Thank God He didn't give us only one color. Nor is the world limited to one terrain, one type of tree, one type of fish, one type of mammal, one type of fruit, one type of culture, one type of music, one type of media, one type of weather, one type of bug, one type of writing utensil.... I could go on but the word "type" is getting old. ..I digress. Don't you see? Isn't it a good thing that we have not just a little variety, but a lot of variety in each of these things I mentioned? And that's not an exhaustive list there.

I'm six feet tall, and sometimes I wear high heels. You feel awkward because I loom over you? Guess what. I feel awkward because I loom over you. (It took me a long time to be convinced that, as a tall woman, it was okay for me to even consider heels, and sometimes I still regret the choice. But, really, they're just another style of shoe--more variety!)

Praise God that we're different!

You see, God is not confined to height specifications. Don't put Him in that box.

Sometimes big things come in little packaging. And sometimes big packaging contains small treasures.

Now I'm not knocking it. The height of our bodies affects who we were, are, and will be as people. It has impact on the makeup of our character. Nothing wrong with that. It's another way that God makes interesting variety.

(Brief theoretical: if I were shorter, say 5'5" because it's convenient and roughly average [If I were shorter than that, I might never have come out of my comfort zone...ugh], I would've been even more reserved than I am now. Though I'm not the quietest person I know, I tend to internalize and observe before I join a conversation, and it takes me a long time to warm up to a new situation. My best friend would have had a harder time pulling me out of my shell after high school and forcing me to reach for my potential by stretching my boundaries. I would never have considered playing volleyball in college [I didn't play, but it was offered out of state]; I probably wouldn't have even liked the game very much. I would be a different person than I am now, because I am a small person in a large body. I'm okay with that now, but if I had been shorter, I wouldn't have grown as much in character and embraced my full personality as much as I have.)

I'm glad I'm the height that I am. I had to grow into it, but I kind of like being a small person in a large body. And I'm still growing. I'm also glad that I know short people, tall people, and average height people, and can call them all friends.

I needed height in order to grow. I needed six feet in order to be brave. Without it, I would still be hiding. I know plenty of short people who aren't stopped by height differences. They didn't need to be tall in order to step up. And now we have, in something seemingly insignificant and out of our control, yet such a large part of who we are, a glimpse of the Creator's design that points us and others to Him in wonder. Isn't God's gift of variety in such a simple thing marvelous?

So, for fun, what do you think you would be like if you were shorter or taller? And how has your height shaped you?

Security

From Ephesians 1

¹³In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, ¹⁴who is the guarantee^[d] of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it,^[e] to the praise of his glory. (Ephesians 1: 13-14, emphasis added)

Crown Him With Many Crowns

On my drive to church, there is a tree that looks like a crown. It is split into three main branches, balanced around the center. I first noticed it during the fall season, when the leaves reveal their inner color and brilliance and the trees around start slimming down to their branches. This tree with three branches and the crown I see remind me of the High King, and I'm not talking about King Peter from Narnia. I'm talking about the King of kings, whose crown when He hung on a tree was full of piercing thorns. God the Three in One, Maker of the universe (including this tree I see), Judge of mankind, and Redeemer of the world.

This little tree is a big reminder to me, and I smile when I see it. I don't see God's face directly (Exodus 33:18-20), but I see His gifts, and His handiwork is all around us. Just open your eyes.

Rainbow Gift

Since beauty comes from God and He has a vast imagination, He's given us beautiful things, like little love notes that point back to the giver's heart (and that is key), all over the place.

I remember a time not too long ago when I was driving home from a little errand running and I took my favorite back road home. I was having a hard day, but it occurred to me suddenly that the day was lovely and I was missing it because I was too focused on my own problems, thus limiting my imagination from looking up at the sky. When I looked up, hanging in the sky was a beautiful sundog, a glowing rainbow in the mist of the clouds. It was brilliant and gorgeous...and all mine.

At first I reveled in it, grateful for God's surprise touch of beauty for the few who lift their eyes heavenward. Then I felt guilty for not sharing it with Mama, but in truth I didn't have time. I was close to home, but by the time I would have gotten home and gotten Mom up, it would have faded and she wouldn't get to see it anyway.

So I pulled over and just enjoyed the present and the Giver. It was a reminder that the world is full of God's beauty, even when there aren't rainbows dancing in the sky, and I had let my eyes close to it. All beauty comes from God and He gives it abundantly, sharing it with any who will look at His splendor.

Have you had a time like this? Maybe a rough, boring, or even restful day that was missing something, and God showed you a glimpse of His beautiful creation? As creative as He is, I imagine it could have looked more than a thousand different ways. What's your story?
 

Makeup

Do you like makeup? I didn't always, but I do now. I used to misunderstand it. I only saw the bad aspects (women wear it to hide their natural faces, it's a mask to create beauty instead of reveal beauty, it emphasizes that women aren't beautiful without it...). As much as I wanted to be pretty, I refused to buy into the hype to a negative extreme.

I wasn't allowed to use makeup until I was at least thirteen years old. By that time, I had come to understand that makeup wasn't what made a girl pretty. And, honestly, as it was brand new territory, I was satisfied enough with my face (more on that another time), and I didn't want to work hard to learn the techniques, I didn't start to actually use makeup until late into my teens.

Sure, I'd play with it from time to time, but it wasn't until I got to college (and, I admit, several years into college) that I would use even mascara on a regular basis.

See, my problem is perhaps the opposite of many, and it's also two-sided.

As I understood it, many girls and women wear makeup in order to be seen as beautiful. They put a lot of work into it because without it they don't think their faces are pleasant to look at. With me, I saw a couple things about my face that I liked (I've always liked my eye color) but I didn't understand that, when used well, makeup can be a means of enhancing one's existing beauty. I had a cynical view that it was a mask slapped on in order to have a facade of what's theoretically pretty, as dictated by cosmetic makers and Hollywood's bottom line. I understood the idea perpetuated about makeup to be "you're only beautiful if you wear our products and look like a magazine cover girl." Though I didn't think myself particularly pretty, I refused to believe the message that I needed makeup in order to be attractive or worthy.

So, side one of my problem, I wouldn't believe "makeup = pretty face" (and conversely wouldn't believe "no makeup = not pretty"), which led to an avoidance of the product instead of thinking it through.

The second part of my makeup issues (aside from sheer laziness and lack of skill applying it) involved, once again, my fear to be perceived as beautiful. There is power in beauty, and not showing it is safer both for myself and for those around me. It took years of friendship to a girl who liked to play with makeup for fun and a couple of conversations on the topic for my thinking to shift to a healthier state. Yes, sometimes it can be fun to go over-the-top with makeup and play with color (something I still have a hard time actually doing...I'm not very bold). But my friend understood that makeup didn't have to be a mask, and could highlight the natural beauty (akin, if you will, to a dress style that flatters your body type).

So, side two of my problem, while makeup can reveal beauty, I would rather be seen as less pretty.

I still don't wear makeup all the time. But now I like to use it a little more to show off my blue eyes by making my eyelashes stand out more. Or I can highlight my cheekbones (which I now like) and happy flush with a touch of added color (have you found an inexpensive blush that doesn't have sparkles in it?). My lips...well, I think I was born with red lips or something. I'm still pretty happy with just chapstick or a hydrating gloss or something like that. I don't usually seek out added color on my lips (unless I'd like them to be more pink than red, in which case, I usually can't get that anyway, so yeah) because then I'd look clownish.

But basically, once again because of my growing understanding of how God made me and who He made me to be, I am okay with finding a balance between makeup and no makeup, and I'm realizing that with or without it, I am pretty. It just depends on how I feel like expressing my best (or good) (like different styles of clothing, no?). I can look my best with makeup. I can also look my best without it.

After all, if I reflect the beautiful Most High, how can I go wrong as long as I don't seek to mar His image? (I need to not fear what He has given me. I'm always beautiful, whether I believe it or not, because that's how my Father made me.)

Makeup doesn't make a woman's beauty, but it's okay if she wants to enjoy it as a gift from God to His daughters.

Have you had difficulties with motivations for wearing or avoiding makeup? Where has your path taken you so far? Do you think you need makeup in order to be beautiful?

Compliments

So, I would still rather hide than write a post today. I guess I'm learning as I write by forcing myself to practice what I know. I just wish I knew what would be best for you to hear right now. As that is outside of my realm of control, you (and I) are stuck with my random thought of the day.

Can you take a compliment? I'm not often very good at it. I'm not even sure why, because sometimes I can agree with the kind thought expressed. I like to play guitar because I like the way it feels and the way it sounds. When someone tells me I played nicely, I can maybe say thanks. When I cook food, I hope to enjoy it as much as I hope others do, so when I'm told it's tasty, I can say I'm glad.

But when I'm told I'm pretty or "elegant" or something along those lines, there is something in me that I suppose becomes embarrassed. Maybe it's because I have done nothing to make myself "elegant" (adding makeup, while it can be done well, does not count in my mind toward this, especially when I haven't put on makeup and I still hear the compliment).

Strangely, sometimes I can agree that I look nice, so it's easier to accept notice of it. But when I don't think I look nice in that moment, everything's out the window and I have a hard time accepting that someone else thinks I look good. Why is this? I like to hear nice things about myself, but I don't always know how to believe them. Have you ever faced this conundrum? It's only been recently, since I've been understanding and accepting that God sees me as beautiful (all the time), that I can think I'm pretty more regularly or accept compliments from others more often.

My outward appearance hasn't changed, but my heart toward God and my understanding of His viewpoint has.
 

Beauty Offers Rest

Are you drawn to beautiful things? I am. I didn't always think it was okay to admit it, but I always have been.

I like the cute shoes, I like elegantly cut dresses, I like flowers, I like butterfly wings. I like a clean kitchen counter, an open floor, a subtle tablecloth, the wild bunnies in the yard. (I could go on.  No, really, I could—the surface of a lake, blue dragonflies, hair colors and textures, the grain in wood—but I don't need to.) All of these things express a certain beauty to me. Now, often you may hear me use the word "cute," as it is one of my favorite words for describing most anything that is small or fuzzy (or small and fuzzy), but "cute" doesn't have to mean "I like it but it's just not to the level of beautiful."

Dictionary.com describes "beautiful" as "having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind." That covers a rather broad spectrum, don't you think? I'd like to add this to my understanding of beauty: Something that is beautiful offers rest.

It may seem like an odd claim, but I believe it's important. Think about it. What's your favorite type of landscape? Maybe an ocean view with a clean beach in a brilliant sunset, maybe a forest in mist, maybe a desert with scant shrubs and cacti and a growing rainstorm on the horizon. Maybe something else entirely.  Imagine it. It's okay, take a moment and think about a location that takes your breath away. Maybe you've been there in person or maybe you've only dreamed it. See it in your mind; smell it; hear it. Does it give you something? Does it quiet your thoughts, soothe your spirit, calm your emotions?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

When I'm out under a vast sky that sits over me like an over-sized bowl I simultaneously feel small and big. I feel like I could drink in the blue air forever and never taste it all. I feel like I could stretch my arm and pluck a cloud from its invisible perch. I could stay there forever sitting in beauty, simple elegant beauty. I could examine the shades of the sky; I could watch the clouds floating away. I could breathe deeply and not worry. I'm given the opportunity to slow down (stop and smell the roses?) and not direct my focus on my to-do list or past failures or even future wishes. I could allow myself to rest right there in that moment.

There's a reason for that. It's rather simple, too. When I am surrounded by the sky, when I am both small and big, I understand, in a way, the presence of God. He is there. He created this particular scene in this particular moment. He designed every detail as an artist labors over a painting. Yet, His art constantly changes without losing any craftsmanship or appeal.

God made beauty. And He didn't make just one kind of beauty. Did He stop with just one kind of stunning landscape?

It can be easy to miss. We have many things to accomplish. Families like to eat, clothes must be washed (maybe it can go one more day), school and work assignments must be met, friends want to get together, bills should be timely, and so forth. And while all of those things can be good (please don't claim that I'm saying not to take care of these things), we shouldn't lose sight of what a moment of beauty offers. We should remember the grand value of beauty, and remember that opportunities to rest in its gift can be anywhere.

Beauty can be found in week-long, out-of-town vacations. It can be found in our daily routine. It can be hidden and uncovered like treasure. It can be displayed for the world to see. It can be shared through laughter or ingrained in our hearts with honest tears. It is in the big and grandiose, the little and average, and the inbetween.

Beauty is everywhere because God is everywhere. And God offers rest through His gift of beauty.

Uluwehi, not Invisible

I would rather be invisible.

Invisibility is safe. No one watching, no one judging. No one impressed, no one disappointed. Invisibility can be lonely, but loneliness hurts less than abandonment. Invisibility doesn't require taking risk. I don't have to put myself out there for others to see if I'm invisible. I don't have to show vulnerability to others if I'm invisible. If I'm invisible, who would see to help?

But I'm not invisible. The Invisible One sees me when no one else does. And He thinks I'm kinda pretty beautiful.

I don't know that I have that much to say. I don't know that my thoughts, my words will benefit any of you. But I do know I live for a God Who created beauty as a blessing, and He made woman in His image to uniquely reflect the beauty of His character. His daughters, princesses all, need to know their beauty. They need to know that it comes from and has grand value through Him.

This has been on my heart lately. I don't know how long I'll write about this, and I can only speak from my own experience, so I will be plenty limited. But I think my sisters need to be encouraged. Not encouraged to put on more makeup, buy the right blouse, or shine that smile when you'd rather cry, but encouraged to be real and to realize the reality of your own beauty. It is there. You may not believe it, but it is.

For a long time I didn't believe I had beauty. Oh, sure, sometimes I thought I looked a little pretty or I felt pretty (often I felt prettier than I thought I looked, go figure that one out for me). But most of the time, pretty wasn't something to be or aspire to. Yet I am, though even now I have a hard time believing it. But it's important that I do, not to glorify myself but to magnify the One Who gave me my beauty.

And when I do believe it, I want to hide it because hiding it is safer. Hiding it diverts attention away from me and that saves me and others from the disappointment of not having beauty and the danger of indeed possessing beauty. Beauty draws others to it. This is both natural and good, but I fear the risk that comes with all good things in this fallen world. I fear the perversion of beauty; I fear beauty being used in a destructive manner, whether intentionally or not. I fear my own beauty being used so.

I would rather be invisible. But beauty is needed to be seen.

So I hope to pursue what it means to grow in beauty. Uluwehi.