Heart Ache

Let me start with: I am not suicidal.

Today, I ached for Heaven.

I have many roads ahead of me that I can choose. Change is coming in my life, but whichever direction I pursue will require some sort of preparation and will take time to fall into place. So, I was struggling with the frustrating paradox, that is somehow possible, that both too much and nothing is happening…at the same time.

But I think that behind all that “inner conflict” and disappointment and fear and desire to move forward was the heartache for the new heaven and new earth.

I wish for many things that would be “better” than what I have right now. But today I kept thinking, in different wording, that all is vanity. Now, it’s not all vanity if one knows God and lives for and with Him, honoring Him as King, which I try (horribly imperfectly; thank God for His grace!) to do. So I know better than to think that everything is true vanity, but at the same time, life here on earth will never be enough.

I think that’s what my odd emotions messing up my day came down to. I could get a sweet car, but it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy and make my life right and exactly where I want it to be. I could have the best friends in the world, calling me up and caring for my often invisible hurts, and in many ways I do, but that’s also not enough. I could meet the man of my dreams to partner with through the rest of life, but even that would not satisfy me perfectly or forever. I could make it on that long-term mission endeavor in a new land, serving others and drawing them closer to God...but that would not be enough either.

I have good things now. And they do not satisfy.

Because this world is fallen short of the glory of the Most High God, and everything in it is tainted with the pervasive touch of sin.

 

This night I watched the sunset, brilliant golds and oranges with hints of pinks on the edges of the dark rainclouds. Stunning. It both soothed my heart and brought to light that which was upsetting me so much all day. I long and ache for a perfect world, where things of the world are never temptations but can be safely enjoyed as gifts, where beauty oozes from every cranny, where there is no more sickness and suffering…where there is the presence of God in person.

Last week I shared a song, an old favorite, with some friends. Today, I think I lived the lyrics.