I need you to start saying "Go get 'em, Tiger" instead of treating me like I'm incompetent.
Ladies (Gentlemen, if there is error in my thinking, I need to know),
Did your mama teach you how to show confidence in your men (dad, bothers, brothers-in-law, cousins, uncles, grandfathers, future husband, etc)? If your growing up experience was like mine, the answer is yes..and no. And really not enough.
I try to say, "Do you want this _(insert unnecessary, though potentially handy item)_ just in case...?" and "Would you rather _(again, insert likely unnecessary item or idea, and very possibly something he can't actually do because of outside restrictions)_ ...?" and the like. I hardly ever say outright that I believe the best of them.
Ladies, your men don't want to be namby-pambied. It's not helpful. Do they want your love? Sure. But, believe it or not, they may just well prefer your respect. They don't want you to baby them by trying to take care of every little detail. They want to be men, strong, capable, the supporters and providers. Let them. Build them up for that, but don't think you're making them that on your own. They want to know you trust them to handle things, to be intelligent and think things through, to do the best they can, and to take care of you and others.
Historically and traditionally, the men fought the wars and battles. This is not discrimination against women nor should it be offensive. Ladies, face it, we are physically (and mentally) formed differently than men. This is actually something to be happy about as it is a reflection of God's creativity, diversity, and desire to display different aspects of His glory with prominence. Men have the bigger and stronger muscles. They have more testosterone! They enjoy being strong more than they enjoy being pretty. Adam was formed with a purpose in mind. So was Eve, but her purpose was different than Adam's even though they shared as equal partners in life as a married couple and as God's children.
So, ladies, let your men keep their man roles. And let them know you know they have what it takes.
And think about this, too. Confidence in your men, if thought appropriately, is really confidence in God. Read Ephesians 5:21-33. Did you see it? Did you notice specifically verse 22? What did it say again? "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" (New International Version). That's more like what I'm used to seeing, and I think it is often taken as "you must always do exactly what he says." But The Message translation put the same verse in a way that I thought was pretty helpful: "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ."
God is in control. Do you agree? And He raises up His children in His image for His purposes and His glory. And He has promised to take care of His children. Now, that doesn't always mean what we think it should, but God never promised us that we would make it through life without suffering (really, why do we even think that? do we not know the stories of Joseph, Job, David was persecuted by his own son, the apostles were persecuted and martyred for Christ, and, oh yeah, Christ hung on the cross and suffered hell).
But if we trust God, really trust Him, we will trust Him with our men. We may not always like what happens, but we have to remember that God wants His name to be glorified throughout the earth, and He is not inactive. He is at work to accomplish His goal, and He uses the entire world (which, He created; He has every right to do so) to bring it about. Our men are a part of God's plan, and we, ladies, can not control it (nor should we want to, but that is a heart matter that can be worked through only by His grace).
Do you have respect for and confidence in your men? Better yet, do you have respect for and confidence in the Father?
Your last sentence is very telling. I know this to be true in Chris and my marriage: my attitude/feelings/reactions toward your husband reflects my attitude/feelings/reactions toward God, every time.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me smile; "For Women Only" pretty revolutionized my view of men!
Ahem. Toward *my* husband, not your husband. Lol!
ReplyDeleteHmm. Interesting. It is certainly true that men need the respect of their wives -- the Bible seems to think that's very important.
ReplyDeleteHowever... A wife is a helper. A helper is someone who can do what the person they're helping can't do. And in my experience, sometimes guys aren't thinking about small, practical things as they're running out the door. I don't think it shows disrespect or a lack of confidence in their abilities to remind them to take an umbrella, especially if he's not in the habit of watching the morning weather report, but you are.
Obviously there's a line that can get crossed -- nagging or assuming your husband is stupid are not good places to be. But I think there are respectful ways to help your husband (with suggestions or reminders, for instance) without stealing his confidence. I think it'll have a lot to do with your attitude, and his.
"Gentlemen, if there is error in my thinking, I need to know"
ReplyDeleteYou knew I'd be all over that ;)
First of all, I think respect is a huge issue. I think one of the biggest issues in gender relationships (on the woman's side, anyway) is that women need to be more respectful of men. My experience is that not all men who are respected will be respectable, but men who are not respected start out defeated, and won't become respectable on their own.
However, I think a couple of qualifications are important here. The first is that you don't need to respect all men in the way you are called to respect your husband. Confidence in your husband (future or otherwise) is very important, but confidence in other men (with the possible exception of fathers) is never even close to the same league. Scripture doesn't call you to show your support for Christ by understanding and supporting men. Your relationships with the men in your life are not, and never should be, based on what Scripture says about your relationship with your husband. I think women ignore this distinction at their peril.
Second, a lot of the wording of this makes it sound unilateral. Now, I think there is something to say for recognizing that you can only repent of your own sin, and shouldn't focus on your spouse's sin. But nothing -- not one thing -- in marriage is unilateral. If your husband wants something of you, whether it's respect or beauty or a sammich, that needs to be a dialogue, not a monologue. For a marriage to truly be a marriage, husband and wife have to be sanctified together.
I think this is good to think about. I hope you'll keep thinking.