Unexpected. But then, what hasn't been?

Did you know I was thinking about going to Mexico? That, for a little while, I had planned to be in Mexico right now?

Not that I was going to live there indefinitely.

But, so many things just ... didn't allow for it. Let me share a taste of this part of my recent journey.


This past spring semester I took the Perspectives course. I learned a lot; it changed my outlook, my perspective (I know it's confusing before you actually attend, but it is aptly named), and I wanted to do things I'd never wanted to do before. Missions, my friend. I wanted to see God's Good News spread to the nations. I wanted to see it firsthand, because I wanted Him to use me and send me somewhere to spread it.

Somewhere like Mexico.

After all, I was learning Spanish. And, in the summer, I continued learning Spanish. And in the fall semester, I was going to finish my language requirement for my degree (though I thought I might continue learning the language after that anyway).

Well, a friend of mine was moving back to her home state, and she remembered the annual trip between the fall and spring semesters to, ahem, Mexico, that she headed up in her home state for years. So we both thought, huh, maybe I should go, too?

I looked into what I would need, passport, travel costs, and maybe (I don't recall what they were, but they were probably in the back of my planning mind) other miscellaneous things that weren't all that important because the truth was, I didn't have enough money. And I didn't see how I would earn the rest of the money that I would need in time.

I thought about it, and I prayed about it. And then, in the fall semester, I was having a hard time in one of my classes that was beyond my abilities.

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was already teetering on the 'I'm not going to Mexico' edge. I didn't want to give up on the dream, but I just didn't see how it was possible. Still, I'm a die hard (sort of), and I hang onto dreams sometimes far longer than I ever should.

But, I was facing the immediate concern of what to do for this class that was giving me so much trouble. So when I heard about a seminar for learning to read faster and more effectively, I figured I should stick around for it and go. In this brief seminar, I actually noticed an improvement in my reading and retaining. So, since there was a deep pile of reading for my class, I thought this is what I needed, and I signed up for the four week class, spending my money on that.

At this point, with no passport, not enough time to get it, not enough money to get it, and not enough money for the trip, and with no feasible way to get the rest (no, I wasn't going to rob a bank), Mexico was out.

And as much as I still didn't want to give it up, I couldn't see a way around it, and I thought I needed this class to help me keep from failing the course I was in. (Yes, I said failing.)

Fast forward a month or so, Mexico was long gone from my agenda, I finished the reading course, and I was concentrating on my courses at OU. Wow that was full. I tried, and I used what I had learned from the reading course (I probably could have been more effective with it, had I not been working on so many other things), but either it didn't help me enough, or I didn't use it to it's best advantage. Likely some of both.

I was still failing.

And I was frustrated.

Yes, the reading course helped me some, and no, I didn't want to say it was a waste of time, effort, or money. But really. I wondered why on earth I had taken the course, when it wasn't doing what I'd hoped and thought I'd needed it to do for me.

So, money gone, time for getting a passport long gone, I still wished there had been some way to join the missionary effort in Mexico. Even still yet.

And I wasn't doing all that much better in my really hard class.

As it turned out, I talked with my professor, who was very understanding, and, in effect, I became something of an audit student. I had already paid for the class, and I wasn't going to get my money back, but my professor let me switch to taking the class as incomplete. I still was allowed to show up and learn; I still had the books. But I no longer had a grade and a GPA riding on my level of success in this class.

So, class load remarkably lightened, money spent on a reading class, Mexico not realistically in the picture anymore (except for unrealistically still wishing in the back of my head), I was confused as to why I had gone through that when it turned out as it had, and still a bit frustrated that I didn't have even enough money for a passport.

Now, some of the pieces start to fall into place a little more clearly for my mind if we fast forward again, yet still in the same fall semester. (It was one full semester.)

My mother has had problems with her health, but she always did the cooking and laundry and cleaning and shopping and the like. But, in this semester, her health continued it's slow deterioration, and that even sped up a bit.

She could no longer do the cooking or the laundry or the cleaning. And there was no one else to step up and take care of those things. Except for me.

So that's exactly what I started doing. And I finally realized how much Mama did to keep the house together (and I still couldn't keep up with it all, so, Wow, Mom!). I started pitching in. I actually turned the oven on. Laundry I was fairly used to, but now I had to make sure more of it got done. So I was fairly busy. Any time that my hard class would have taken up, and no longer had to, was filled with helping with the housework and helping Mom. And I had my other classes to keep me busy, like finishing my required Spanish course (which was, itself, a headache of a class at times), and writing 50,000 words of first draft for my first novel.

So, once again, money gone, time gone, Mexico not even in my mind anymore, learning Spanish, writing a novel (in English), cooking, and laundry, and life's little fillers, I was busy. Quite possibly the busiest I have ever been.

I knew things weren't getting better when I had to go shopping for groceries by myself. It might seem childish, but this semester was the first time that had ever happened. And that's when I realized that I didn't know where everything was kept in the store very well. An adventurous outing.

So, the pieces started to make sense. I believe that a large part of why I never had what I needed in order to go to Mexico, where I would have been on this day, is because God knew I would be needed here.

Once again, He knew far better than I did. And even though I thought I wanted to go for Him, He wanted me to stay for Him.

And willing and wanting to go, I stayed.

Milestone

Well, I reached my assigned goal for the semester for my novel writing class.

Yes, a class on writing a novel. You read that correctly.

So I learned about writing, and I had to write...50,000 words. Yep. Fifty-thousand. Words. (No, I did not write them all choppy like this.)

So, I thought that deserved a post.

It was a journey. If anyone wonders what there is to learn about writing novels or how hard it can be to write a novel or how long 50,000 words is (generally short for novel length, actually), send them my way. I'll educate them.

That said, I must point out this: I'm not done.

I have written over 50,000 words, and my first draft isn't complete. I have a large gap somewhere in the middle of my story where I jump toward the ending, and I haven't even finished the ending.

Now, I jumped to the ending because my novel instructor (remember what I said before about novel people?) wanted to make sure I knew how to write the ending (again, if people think there's nothing to it...). And, for class, I think this is a good idea. The ending is neither like the beginning nor the middle, though a reader should be fairly blissfully ignorant of this. Unless the reader is also a writer, trying to improve on the craft. That aside, I started too far back from the end. So I still have to write it.

But this doesn't bother me. After all, isn't writing what I signed up to do?

It is.

And I find I like it.

So, while I won't have weekly deadlines of 4,000 word "milestone" lumps, and no one else will be pushing me to write for a grade, I have plans and goals. And I have proven to myself that I can write 50,000 words. What's 20,000 or 30,000 more? And really, I can't leave my characters hanging where they are. Not in either of the two spots where I have left off.

I know my characters aren't alive and breathing. I've been over that before. But after writing, and following, their adventure, their dreams, their wants, their needs, I am rather attached. Which I count as a good thing. If I wasn't attached, how could I expect my future readers to be drawn into the story? Admit it, your favorite stories, you empathize with the characters; when you open the covers of the book and turn the pages, you are there with them.

That's how I am when I read. That's normal. That's the goal. That's when the writer has done his job. And that's what I want to do. So far, it's working, at least on myself.

And one of the reasons it's worked on myself is because I have either experienced what my characters have gone through, or I have experienced the emotions. Throughout my life, but more specifically, this semester.

Friends, it is not always a happy book. Once, my teacher, who may be a novel person, told the entire class that I was doing a good job of not giving my characters a break. His reaction was one of frustration and depression, even though he delivered it with comedy.

Maybe I am doing my job.

Have I been depressed? Sure. Maybe to the extreme of my characters, maybe not. But the thing is, all writing reveals something about the writer. It can't be avoided. And the saying, "Write what you know," doesn't have to mean factual information. Far from it. Facts can be researched. It is the emotions that you know. It is the emotions that I know. This story just so happens to be full of certain sad emotions. My main characters are in their teens, of course that's what it's full of.

The journey for me has been in living. Living through the past semester. Celebrating the ups, working through the obstacles, and dealing with the downs. The journey has been in my relationships and the increase and variations of my tasks.

And I have shared my journey with Makani and Tip. In some ways, they have helped me through the journey, because I could give them portions of it, helping me to work through things, particularly the things I didn't understand.

It wasn't a mistake that I had that outlet. God knew what I would need before I knew there would be any changes in my life.

I am grateful that I had this story to write. I am grateful that I still have it to finish. And I will carry it with me, unseen, even after I no longer work on improving it.

This is my first milestone of many.